Adventures in Real Estate: Part 2 OR Why Our House Is So Canadian.

So where I left off before was the point where we once again were homeless.  Again we were  on the hunt (me online, Britton on foot) for a place to hang our hat.  SEVERAL houses later and still no luck.  Finally Britton finds one that is suitable.  It’s new, fenced in yard, double garage, separate office for me, enough bedrooms for visitors (4 bedrooms total!) AND the owners aren’t members of The Church of Dog-Haters weirdos who hate dogs.  He has me on the phone and the computer looking up the address to see some online pictures of it.  I like what I see!  Its clean, big, yard for Daisy, etc.  But then whilst continuing to look through google results something catches my eye…Calgary Health Region…uhhh…hold up.

So Britton is on the phone going, “Should I get it? Should I get it?  Should I sign the contract?”  Meanwhile I am frantically scanning this 5 page document as fast as I can and seeing words like ‘mould growth’ (Side bar: it took me about 2 minutes to realize what that was.  Mould?  I breezed right by that one.  And furthermore, don’t you think mould sounds way less ominous than good old American MOLD?  I feel like I would be sitting around drinking tea with organic honey while discussing mould.  Someone says mold and I immediately cringe and want to bathe in isopropyl alcohol).  I see words like, combustion gases, CO2 production, electrical wiring tampering, and chemical/fertilizer contamination.  Say WHAT?  What in the WORLD is going on in this place?  I am immediately having nightmares that this is a house covered in MOLD that may or may not explode at any given moment because there are combustible gases flowing through it.  At this point I am freaking out and trying to tell him to get out of there ASAP and don’t believe whatever this random person showing you the house is saying.  Because the document, by the way, says that the house must be vacated immediately and that all products of rot and decay must be removed.

UMM…NOTHANKYOUVERYMUCH.

Fast forward to the next day when I have a chance to further read through the document and Britton has a chance to find out what the deal really is.  I start rereading and notice something I missed:

·         “Excess heat and humidity produced during the plant growing activities are suitable conditions for mould growth.”

·         “All materials related to the plant growing operation that are remaining behind, including pots, soil, fans, lights, cutting tools, and general rubbish, shall be removed and disposed of and a manifest attesting to this disposal provided to Calgary Health Region.”

Whoa…I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume their little operation wasn’t growing prize winning roses or a butterfly garden…but rather more of an herb garden? (Oh yes I did just do that…)

Yep…we are living in a Canadian marijuana growing house. 

According to the neighbors these people had QUITE the operation going on.  No one lived there (which seems like a waste to me…pass the herb!  Oh wait…there WAS that pesky mould and flammable gases…).  The farmers would show up at the house daily to check on their little nuggets (yep, did it again) and would get there VERY early (like 5 am) and shovel the driveway so that it appeared someone lived there.  OK, so aside from the fact that you have to get there at 5 am and then tend to a bunch of temperamental plants you have to SHOVEL THE DRIVEWAY OF A HOUSE YOU DON’T LIVE IN?  WHY would anyone sign up for that?  Especially because we all know that it snows plenty there so this had to be an almost daily occurrence.  The demand for weed in Canada must be serious for people to go through so much trouble.

The neighbors also informed us that they snuck in the back yard to look in the windows and that these people had furniture all set up and TV’s and get this…cookies out on a plate.  GENIOUS!  Let’s see, no one lives there, some guy or girl randomly comes by at 5 am daily goes inside for a few minutes, shovels the driveway and then leaves…BUT wait…they have cookies out!  SO clearly there MUST be no funny business going on! RIGHT?   I’d like to point out right here something my mom and aunt always say…”Why do you think they call it dope”  If you need help from me explaining that to you then this might be the career for you.

Finally, we were told that when this house was gutted and cleaned out that they brought in two 30 foot dumpsters (I’m guessing they were more like 10 meter metre or something); one for all of the gutted material and trash, and one that was filled entirely with nothing more than 5 gallon (no idea what the equivalent on that one is) buckets that had been used to grow the plants in.  Can you imagine?

So I bet you are wondering a few things:

1.    Are y’all seriously living in this house?

Yeah buddy!  In case you missed it.  Here are some pictures.  It is 4 bedrooms, 2 full bathrooms, 2 half bathrooms and about 2400 sq. feet.  We got this house as a lease purchase so will be able to put a portion of our rent monthly to doing things around the house.  Come visit and we will put your ass to work take you to do some fun things!

2.    Are you and Britton going to become farmers?
Yeah right.  We do have to have an inspection every 3 months from the drug authorities making sure we aren’t growing marijuana.  I told Britton to let them know that would be no problem but just so they know if I was going to be running an illegal drug operation I can assure you I would not be growing plants…WAY to much trouble.  I would be a meth maker.  Cough syrup and a stove…way easier.  Plus I could double time and get dinner whipped up.  Multi tasker!

3.    Is your house still full of mould?

No way.  This house had to basically be gutted and redone with the walls treated chemically to get everything back in tip top shape.  Also as another bous we got ALL brand new appliances.  Stove, fridge, dishwasher, and even new front loading washer and dryer.  YES!

4.    Are you going to start throwing U’s in your words because you think you are fancy?

You. Can. Count. On. It.  Honour, colour, favour…but why stop there? Centre, litre, practise, licence, libertye.  And you know what?  I have decided I’m going to start making little dashes in my 7’s and 0’s AND replacing commas when listing large numbers with periods.  How do you like that, eh?

5.    Can I see a copy of this document you speak of?
Get ready…its titillating.  http://www.calgaryhealthregion.ca/publichealth/envhealth/inspection_orders/Orders_Drugs/2008/Inactive/229_Kincora_Heights_NW_Calgary_March_3_2008_I.pdf

Crazy stuff!!  As an update: Daisy leaves to fly up on July 2nd.  And I am leaving to fly up the morning of July 4th...oh the irony.  I would love to see everyone and spend some time together before I go.  I'll be here for another 10 days or so!